Upside of Life

It's time for an update I guess... Here's how the past couple weeks have been in a nutshell:
Finally moved on/got over the bastard
Grandmother had emergency surgery; removed her gall bladder; it was gangrene
Went to Dothan to help mom out
20 minutes after getting there, Hunter called cause he was in trouble with the police
Thursday Hunter got arrested and we couldn't get him out; he's still in there
Went back to Dothan, got majorly insulted by mom and was upset rest of the weekend
Good friend of the family's mom died
Continued to hate my job

So as you can see, it's been kind of a rough time. The upside (and I'm having to really dig for it) to all this that has happened is that I have realized who's actually my friend and who's really not. And I hate saying that, because I know certain people are still my friend and they care about me... maybe I should say those that take the time to just ask how things are going and offer to help. I don't know, maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I'm expecting everyone to drop everything to make sure I'm okay. But damnit, I do that for them. If someone is having a problem, do I ignore it until I have a free moment to text them and ask if they're okay? No, I get on the phone/IM/email and ask if they're okay and if I can do anything. I kinda expect the same from my friends. You don't have to do it the same way I do; just doing it in your own way is enough for me. Even a friend who I was in kind of a stupid and mean fight with helped... So why couldn't other friends ask if I was instead of waiting 3 or 4 days to ask?

But back to the upside of everything... I really have amazing friends. I hope I express it enough, but if I don't, I'm expressing it now. There may not be a lot of them, but they are the people I want to turn to when in need, be with through all the happy times in my life, and cry with when there are sad times. It's funny how the people I thought I would want to be with me in all the many times in my life aren't really the people I want to be there. It's weird, and maybe hard to explain. I've been wrestling with this for a while now. I talked to a friend about it and she said that I shouldn't feel guilty or bad for not wanting people to be part of things anymore. That I should want the people who were there with me when I was going through the things to be the ones who help me celebrate and mourne. I shouldn't feel obligated to someone who I don't feel is close to me anymore or who I am not as much of a priority to as they are to me. And I started to feel better about things. It doesn't mean that I don't love them any less, it just means that chapter is over and done with and I shouldn't feel guilty for growing apart.

Speaking of chapters being over with... I figured I should put this in here. I am finally moved on/over the bastard. I'm very proud of myself and happy that it didn't take very long. I guess I was mistaken about my feelings; they must've just been crushed ego feelings. But here's the real kicker... he IMed me the other night (1:15 am) saying he wanted to be friends. Now, I'm all for being friendly to the ex or whatever, but c'mon... We were never friends to begin with. I really don't remember what all I said to him, and I don't think it's worth putting in here, but I really think it was very courageous of me. I rarely say what I feel to people like that and it was good to get it all out. Hopefully he got the hint that there isn't a friendship and there never was (that's a direct quote by the way). Strangely enough though, not 2 minutes before he IMed me, I woke up from a dream (which was about going to law school, but that's another story for another entry). I got a funny feeling that it was God waking me up because He knew the bastard was going to IM me and that I needed to be awake to tell him those things. I talked to him for a few minutes, then rolled over and tried to sleep. But I couldn't... I could just feel the anger boiling inside me and that's when I think I really let out everything I'd been holding in. I feel better about it... I'm kinda proud of myself for not going back. Because even though he does have a girlfriend, and I know he's not the kind of guy who would cheat (I hope), I have a small feeling he wanted to become friends not so we could be friends, but so he could keep me on the backburner in case it didn't work out with that girl. Then he'd have a backup.

But let me point out that I never have been, nor will I ever be, someone's backup. Whether in friendships or relationships... Maybe you might have thought I was and treated me as such, but I'm done being that for you.