Hey There Delilah

It's 11:10 and I can't sleep, so I decided to get online and write about the weekend. The 4th of July this year has been one of the most memorable I think... and not in a good way. For me, the 4th really has always been just another day. I can't think of a single memorable 4th. No, I take that back. There was the one when my grandmother took me to the fireworks display in Selma and I got upset because we couldn't shoot fireworks and could only watch them. That's really the only 4th I remember. This year was significant because of my brother. He moved out the other week and it's taken a huge toll on my mom. She's really upset about the whole situation, more so than she's really letting on and more than my brother really seems to care about. I was watching a movie (Shanghi Noon in case you were wondering) on Friday at my parents' and my mom came and joined me. About 10 minutes after she sat down I heard her do her mom sigh (you know, that deep "I'm really disappointed/aggrivated/upset over this situation" sigh) so I asked her what was wrong. Nothing she replied. So a few minutes later I saw her wipe her eyes. It was pretty apparent she was crying. It didn't take a genius to know she was crying over my brother. Seeing my mom that upset made me wonder about men and their ability to hurt women in the worst ways... and whether it's an undeniable fact that all men will hurt women, regardless of who or what they are. Is it selfishness that drives them to hurt us, that "look out for number one" gene they all seem to possess? I'm not trying to say that women don't hurt men; I'm sure some do. I honestly can say I'm not sure if I've ever hurt a guy. Mainly because I don't think any guy has ever cared enough about me for me to actually hurt. But I truly believe that men will do whatever it is to make themselves happy, regardless of whether it hurts women who love them, and even if they know that deep down it's wrong. It doesn't matter what it is, cheating on a girlfriend/wife, lying to a girl to get her to sleep with you... moving out and into a situation your mother disapproves of... they're all the same.

All that being said, I hope it doesn't make me look anti-man. I'm not... really, I promise. It may take me a few years (and a few $1000s of therapy once I can afford it) to trust that a man won't hurt me again, but I look forward to the day when I can trust again. And if you know any men who are available, I'd love to work on my trust issues with them. Seriously... I'm ready to be a casual dater for a while... But no Matts... apparently I have problems with them. I've had my heart broken by three of them.

I could fall in love with a John...